First of all, I know things are still quite sporadic around here, and while I haven't had review books to talk about in a week or so, I still kind of wish I had posted something else up here just for you guys to read. I do love my blog, but sometimes it can kind of fall to the side when I have other stuff going on.
The 'other stuff' that I mention is mostly health-related, though other things have been happening. I have had some news about a friend in the last couple of months that has left me reeling a little, and not really sure how to move forward. It is also pressing all my buttons of 'this isn't about you, just shut up' and so nasty inside voices have been getting a bit more free reign than I'd like. I have also had really fantastic news about other friends, and plus the whole idea of maybe 'getting better' which I will get to in a moment, so I am often all-kinds-of-mixed-up.
'Getting better'. It's a thing that I haven't really touched with a ten-foot pole for quite a few years. I started getting sick when I was 11, 16 years ago now. For many years, I wouldn't let myself consider that what I had was untreatable, or unknowable. I always thought there was some test/diet/exercise/thought pattern/affirmation out there that would "fix" me. And then I realised that this kind of thinking was really damaging me, because it meant I was blaming myself a lot.
If I hadn't gotten a certain kind of test yet, that was my fault. If I tried the diet and it didn't work, it was because I hadn't been 'strict' enough. If I tried to exercise and I got sicker, it was because my mental state was too weak, and I needed to try harder.
Not really helpful.
I have started a new treatment plan recently, after doing multiple new tests (new to me - I've never done them before) and actually getting some results instead of 'hmmm the tests say you're fine, so maybe just get some more sunshine or get a hobby'. And, against the odds that I feel have stacked up against me for so many years, the treatment is actually working. I am feeling better overall. I am working hard at my new treatment, because I need to, and being quietly hopeful, and also considering that this may all be psychosomatic (whatever! even if it is - yay for feeling better!). This jumble of emotions, plus the jumble of emotions I mentioned earlier, are getting all mashed together and it is some kind of rollercoaster ride, I will tell you that much.
The whole idea of 'getting better' feels really quite scary, if I'm honest. It's not that I don't want to feel better, but my chronic illnesses have been such a huge part of who I am for so many years now that I feel frightened of change, even while I go through it. There are so many questions about what it could mean - and also what does it mean if the treatment doesn't work? It is enough to make me feel like I have my own little cyclone brewing in my brain.
Either way, I am doing my best. I am putting one foot in front of the other, and trying to make sense of the cyclone when I can. It can be hard-going, but I want to do the work.
Love to all who read.